The Beautiful Game? Ugh!

Sorry. I gave soccer, excuse me, futbol, a shot during this recent World Cup. Frankly, I think I’d rather watch paint dry. Maybe I went into this with a bit of prejudice. That fawning over Trump, that “trumped up” peace prize, just left a really bad taste in my mouth for FIFA in particular, and for soccer in general. But, aside from the that, the game is just boring as hell to watch.

Ninety minutes goes by with little more than guys just kicking the ball around among themselves. And often they’re kicking toward their own end of the field instead of attacking their opponent’s goal. All the while that boredom is frequently interrupted by some guy lying down on the field holding his leg, which is incredibly more boring.

Then there are the rules. It seemed in the one game I nearly completely watched, Norway v. England, there was a lot of purposeful pushing, shoving and grabbing, even some hitting, going on. But no fouls. Then, on something seemingly much less violent and obviously accidental, when one of the players took a dive, they gave out penalties, or even cards. I mean, cards? What’s the player supposed to do with that card? Carry it around in his pocket? Do their shorts even have pockets?

Oh, and when there is a penalty any manner of wholly unpredictable outcomes results. Sometimes the goalie gets to kick it. Sometimes everyone just stops in place and some guy puts the ball down and kicks it, and sometimes the perpetrating team line up in front of their own goal while the offendee gets to kick it over their heads. And, oh, then there’s this ridiculous one where the ref pulls out a can of Reddi-Whip and squirts lines on the turf, excuse me, the pitch. Sorry, it’s just not very obvious what’s the rhyme or reason to any of this. And, by the way, what happens to those lines after play resumes? Does someone come running from the sidelines and wipe them up?

I guess I have more questions than answers about how the game is played. Still, the most exasperating thing is how they belabor the boredom. After sitting through that grueling 90 minutes of nothingness, they add on some unknown amount of time to make up for all the times those guys were faking it on the ground. And, if that weren’t enough, if it’s still tied at the end of that, they tack on 30 minutes of Extra Time. Jesus! Isn’t 90 minutes punishment enough? I do like the penalty kicks part of it, though. That has something, but not nearly all, of the tension of a pitcher facing a batter at some crucial part of a baseball game.

My suggestions would be to make the field a bit shorter so those poor bastards wouldn’t have to run up and down so much, and to dramatically cut the number of players on each team. Then you might have something a little exciting. As it stands, I’m really happy these World Cups come around just occasionally. The only thing really beautiful about this game is the time in between.

©2026, David B Bucher

PS: Watched the entire final. I rest my case.